No, The Suffering Isn’t Over For Us Yet

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I struggled with putting this out in a public forum, yet I think it is important to validate my family’s feelings during a tragic ending to a terrible ordeal. My sister’s ex-husband committed suicide Friday morning. He had stalked her and my Niece for several years. Nobody believed he was really dead at first, because he has both threatened and faked his suicide in the past. His ex-girlfriend notified my 17 year old Niece of his passing in a text message.

His Facebook is full of condolences from people who barely knew him, or only knew his side of the story. Most of them have no idea what he put our family through. Thankfully, my Niece has family and friends who love and support her; those who are well-aware of the trauma he caused her and her Mother. We are relieved that the nightmare is over, yet saddened by the pain she is suffering because of his actions. We are angry at the foolish people who are now praising him as a great guy – the same people who did nothing to intervene. Many of these buddies were the ones who played an active part in his addictions.

A single Mother and baby were brutally slain just a few blocks away from their home right after my ex-brother-in-law began stalking his family. I heard about it on the radio news while driving to work, and immediately thought it was them. This was just the first of many, many terrifying incidents that my family experienced. I started Human Rights Vs. Stalkers because of the suffering my sister and niece endured at their abuser’s hands. It was the only way I could do something to keep my feelings of powerlessness at bay.

My Niece has struggled with loving vs. hating her Father, and had terminated telephone contact with him several months ago. He chose not to attend supervised visits with her during these past five years. After he publicly humiliated her on his Facebook and she found out about it, she announced on her own account that she wished he would die; words spoken in haste by a young girl who was tired of being controlled and shamed instead of loved. She had just recently changed her mind, and was trying to contact him and her Grandfather over the past few weeks. Neither would answer, nor return her calls. Now it is too late, and she is absolutely devastated.

Nobody can possibly understand the terror our family, including my elderly parents have felt during this time. We have all been taunted, degraded, and threatened. It did not have to end this way, but it did because of the choices HE made. He is not some lonely, unloved martyr whose family abruptly abandoned him for no reason. Opportunities for him to grow and change were available at every stage of his life. We all did our best to help him during the 17 year marriage to my sister, but he did not want anybody’s help.

His “friends,” who are so stunned at this outcome, could have acted like real friends, and encouraged him to stop making excuses for his poor behavior, or to get some mental help, instead of helping him to hide his secrets. His law enforcement colleagues could have set him straight by holding him accountable for his actions, and confronting him with the truth, instead of encouraging his delusions. His family could have opened their eyes to the abuse he was inflicting, instead of enabling it. They could have tried to protect my Niece and her Mother.

My Niece’s first words to me after she found out were, “I don’t know if I should feel glad or sad after all he put Me and Mom through, but I miss him so much.” She is going to suffer from his abuses for years to come. Her half-siblings were not even mentioned in the obituary; one of whom she never met, and has only learned existed after her parents’ divorce. Today my Niece is trying to access her Father’s Facebook to put her own message of grief on it. She deserves to have her voice heard. She also wants to retrieve a few recent pictures of him from his page. Unfortunately, he had blocked her from viewing it, so this is proving to be difficult.

My sister told me people are saying to her that they are unsure whether to offer condolences or congratulations. Her Ex-Father-in-Law finally spoke to my Niece yesterday. Being a staunch Baptist man, he wanted to know if her Mom was still single. He, as many others did, has judged her for the heart wrenching decision she made to leave the abuse. Many other busybodies now want the latest updates on her side of the story. The truth is, my sister refuses to feel guilty for the suicide, because she did nothing to contribute to it. Our entire family is feeling many mixed emotions: relief, sadness, anger…just to name a few. We would like to finally have some peace and we deserve to be heard too.

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5 thoughts on “No, The Suffering Isn’t Over For Us Yet

  1. Thank you for posting this. I’m glad that you did and hope that you’ll be able to share more of it in the interest of helping other victims and survivors.

    I’m disheartened that a teenager was notified about such a death through a text message. If a person can text you, they can call you. I’m also curious why they didn’t find out from the authorities.

    Was he a cop? You know that my passion for advocacy was in large part fueled by my experiences with cops.

    You have a great point about the friends. I find that many people want to hang out with someone who drinks/does drugs/whines about life, etc. like them rather than invest in authentic friendships.

    I’m so curious to know more. I know that you have to be sensitive right now and I hope that with your sister’s blessing you’ll be able to tell the world much more of her story.

    • Thank you so much for responding to my post. People need to see the way victims are violated, not only by the abuser, but by their community’s indifference. I do want to mention that my Sister and Niece approved it ahead of time. They don’t want any further drama in their lives, so this is a safer way to validate their experiences.

      The children are so often forgotten in situations like this. I just feel that my Niece was the true victim here, and I am angry that nobody involved cared enough to appropriately notify her that her Father had passed.

      He worked for the County as a police dispatcher for a couple years, but he enjoyed telling people he was a cop. His police pals either overlooked his white lie, or they had selective amnesia about his true rank. I believe he was actually fired for collecting 911 data to stalk his former high school girlfriend.

      There is now a remembrance page set up in his honor on Facebook. One of his friends posted a picture of the night he hosted a party just a couple weeks after the separation. That same night, he was arrested for DWI and a weapons charge less than a mile away from the Hospital where my sister works. He was stalking her there too. These fools have no idea how much worse that awesome party could have ended. Seeing that picture is a HUGE TRIGGER to us!

      • That’s so classic– posing as more than he is. I hope your niece has professional help to guide her through this time. There are going to be so many mixed signals and despite all the bad he’s done it would be normal to be overwhelmed by good recollections too.

        I’m eager to learn more as is appropriate. Stalking is especially dangerous when the person has access to the tools of law enforcement or associations within it.

  2. I’m so glad that your sister doesn’t feel guilt. My biggest fear is that I will if my ex ever follows through with his threats to kill himself. I hope that this sad situation will bring them the peace that they have been waiting for for so long.

    • It has been five months since his suicide. My sister is doing very well, but my niece is really struggling. She went to counseling for a month and quit. I think she feels a great deal of guilt about it, but she is trying to push it away. The say time heals all wounds… hopefully.

      Thank you for following the blog and commenting. I hope your situation gets better in time too. ❤

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